TOP 10 THINGS MY FAMILY SAYS TO ME WHEN I'M TRYING TO PLAY MY VIDEO GAMES
10. “Turn that down!” Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you couldn’t hear The Real Housewives of Orange County over my attempts to beat back the Nazi hordes.
9. “Why didn’t you pick up the phone when I called?” I couldn’t hear it over the Nazi horde blasting!
8. “Is this what they teach you at Columbia?” No, at Columbia they teach me how to get what I want by not eating and that the heat must be on even when it’s 70 degrees.
7. “Why don’t you put that down and help me make dinner?” The irony was that I was playing Cooking Mama.
6. “Do you have any idea how stupid you look with that guitar?” This is always said about five minutes before number five.
5. “That was great—does it have any Skynyrd?” And this bird Guitar Hero changed.
4. “How much did I pay for this?” Man, you are a really poor replacement for grandpa and grandma.
3. “I don’t know how you can enjoy that.” Oh, come on, I didn’t say anything when you went to see that independent Indonesian film.
2. “You waited in line for this?” I did! And I made so many of those “friends” I always hear you talking about.
1. “Can I play?” I thought you’d never ask.
—Kevin Ciok, video games editor
TOP 10 WAYS TO INDULGE YOUR SWEET TOOTH THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
1. German cookies at the Holiday Market: Lebkuchenherzen, or chocolate-covered gingerbread hearts are some of the tastiest of the authentic German sweets offered at the German Delights, Inc. stand at the Holiday Market, $6.59 at both Columbus Circle and Union Square holiday markets
2. Chestnuts at a street cart: Various prices, various places.
3. Frozen custard at Shake Shack UWS: There’s nothing better than the monthly custard Calendar at Shake Shack. Even on a frigid day, enjoy the best custard owner Danny Meyer has to offer at the new, inside location on the Upper West Side. Tuesdays bring Candy Cane Crunch, and Sundays are Chocolate Yule. Beware of Prune Armangac on Fridays. ($3.25 for a single cup or cone, Columbus Avenue at 77th Street).
4. Chocolate Fondue at Counter: Made with Valrhona chocolate and vanilla beans, and served with fresh fruit, walnut coffee cake, and marzipan-filled dates, go wearing stretch pants and leave fat and happy. ($14, 105 First Ave. at Sixth Street).
5. Gelato milkshake at il laboratorio del gelato: Because they use a sparse amount of milk, these shakes are thick, dense, and the most flavorful in the city. ($5.75, 95 Orchard St. at Broome Street).
6. PB & Waffle ‘Wich at Norma’s: a chocolate waffle with peanut butter and toffee crunch filling. There is really nothing to say but “yum.” ($21 at Norma’s at the Le Parker Meridien Hotel, 118th West 57th Street).
7. Pastries at Bouchon Bakery: If you are willing to wait in line, Thomas Keller is arguably the best chef in the United States, and at Bouchon, you can enjoy his genius for a fraction of the price of a meal at Per Se. ($5-$9, 10 Columbus Circle, 3rd Floor)
8. Pre Fixe Dessert Menu at Chickalicious: Three courses of gourmet desserts —and only desserts—that change daily with optional dessert wine pairings? C’est parfait. ($12, additional $7 for wine, 203 E. 10th St. at 2nd Avenue).
9. Slow Baked Apples and Cinnamon at Dessert Truck: Crisp puff-pastry, streusel, apples, cinnamon—what more could you want? There’s even a “dollop” of whipped cream on top. ($5, St. Mark’s Place at 3rd Avenue from 6 p.m. to midnight)
10. Homemade marshmallows at Batch: Available in vanilla, chocolate, and seasonal flavors, beware of trying these if you ever want to be able to buy Jet-Puffed again. ($4.50 for a bag, 359 Van Brunt St. at Dyckeman, Brooklyn).
—Shane Ferro, food & drink editor
TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS/AWESOME FREE THINGS SENT TO A&E IN THE LAST YEAR
Because Spectator contains the foremost arts coverage in New York, and possibly the world, we receive hundreds of press releases and free products every year. Unluckily for you, the reader, we don’t actually cover all the crazy free stuff that we receive—until now. Below, the top 10 most ridiculous and/or awesome free things sent to Spec A&E in the past year.
10. Handcuffs by Bethany Griffin: Move over Twilight—young adult pseudo-S&M (“Parker Prescott never thought that a pair of handcuffs could change her life. She was wrong ...”) is so much cooler than young adult vampires these days.
9. Sketchbook and colored pencils: This promo pack for Fox’s Animation Domination was one of the most useful mailings we’ve received. Not only do I get a fully functional sketchbook and set of 24 pencils, I even get to learn how to draw characters from The Simpsons and Family Guy from a poster. Thanks, Fox!
8. Superbad: The Drawings by David Goldberg: This is less ridiculous and more awesome—a book full of drawings of penises, only a few of which were featured in the film. Includes such examples as “The Long Dick of the Law,” “Viet Dong,” and “Dr. Strangelove Penis, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Love the Dick.”
7. Homothug: The Secret Life of Rudy Giuliani by A.J. Weberman: Weberman has dedicated most of his life to studying and writing about Bob Dylan, but apparently he’s branching out. This book also has an awesome photo of Giuliani in drag on the cover, by the way.
6. “Female Bodybuilders” exhibition press release: Unsurprisingly, Martin Schoeller’s photos of greased up, veiny, bulging female bodybuilders got torn down from the walls of the A&E office almost as soon as I put them up.
5. Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation: What could be better than bachelor parties, sex addicts, and “tantalizing temptations?”
4. 25th Anniversary of Thriller: As crazy free stuff goes, this one would be pretty tame—if not for the holographic zombie Michael Jacksons included in the liner notes.
3. Hay: It’s ridiculous enough that the show Farmer Wants a Wife even existed in the first place, but did The CW really have to send us actual hay in their promo package?
2. How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman: This would almost have made it to number one, except for the awesomeness of Fetus-X and the fact that How to Profit From the Coming Rapture is intentionally funny—which is unfortunate because, of course, that makes it less funny. That being said, it’s still “the investment guide the Antichrist doesn’t want you to read.”
1. Fetus-X press release and poster: Only days into my job as A&E editor, we received this gem in the mail, advertising a so-called “cult-favorite politically-charged, romance/horror comic” drawn by Eric Millikin. Oh, I’m sorry, not drawn—“I paint it in blood with my home-made surgically-attached zombie arm inside an ancient book of occult scientific secrets,” writes Millikin in his letter of introduction. According to him, “Fetus-X is the inspirational true story of my experiences since discovering a zombie fetus that may or may not be my missing Siamese twin or a clone of me from an alternate timeline or dimension.” Really.
—Elizabeth Simins, arts & entertainment editor
TOP 10 WEIRDEST WORKS OF ART THIS YEAR
1. 21 Anthropometric Modules Made of Human Fecæs by the People of Sulabh International, India, by Santiago Sierra: You’ve probably seen art that examines power structures before. Santiago Sierra does the same thing—he just uses very nontraditional materials. For an exhibition in London last January, Sierra collected fecal matter (yes, fecal matter) from New Delhi and Jaipur, let it dry for three years, and placed them in large wooden cases to display at the Lisson Gallery. Admirers and skeptics alike could only refer to it as “shitty.”
2. Aliza Shvarts’ senior art project: Aliza Shvarts’ senior thesis project shocked, appalled, and offended just about everyone who read or heard about it. The Yale senior said that she had impregnated herself as many times as possible and then induced miscarriages in order to use her own blood in her final installation. After the story became an Internet sensation, Yale released a statement explaining that the entire debacle was a piece of “creative fiction” intended to explore the ambiguity surrounding the female body. Shvarts bounced back and forth, denying and then affirming the truth of the statement. Either way, Shvarts got a ton of press, but all we got was grossed out.
3. Peter Paul Chocolates by Paul McCarthy: Talk about holiday cheer. Last winter, Paul McCarthy turned Maccarone Gallery into a fully functioning chocolate factory. But the Santa figurines McCarthy designed weren’t exactly traditional stocking stuffers—each little chocolate Santa carried his own oversize, edible butt-plug.
4. In the Beginning... by Bert Rodriguez: Forget looking at art. Rodriguez’s installation at last year’s Whitney Biennial forced you to become the subject. Rodriguez constructed a white cube inside the Park Avenue Armory in which he conducted brief therapy sessions with visitors who had signed up for the privilege. Replete with a tissue box, two brown chairs, and a couple of potted plants, Rodriguez’ room could be any psychologist’s office—but Rodriguez is no Ph.D.
5. Louis Vuitton boutique by Takashi Murakami: Murakami didn’t really build the boutique featured in his exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum last spring. But the fully functioning store stood alongside Murakami’s bright canvases, reinforcing his commitment to examining the commercial aspects of art. The question of whether the store was an artwork or just a strange business move remains, for most, unanswered.
6. Road Kill Stuffed Animals by L. Mylott Manning: As part of this year’s Art in Odd Places festival in October, Manning decapitated, sliced open, or otherwise mutilated stuffed animals, splattered them with red paint, and strewed them along the side of the road around 14th Street. Whether he intended to work out childhood angst or merely add some artificial roadkill to the downtown streets, Manning probably won’t be welcome at FAO Schwartz anytime soon.
7. You by Urs Fisher: Last fall, Urs Fisher’s show at Gavin Brown’s Enterprise consisted of nothing more than dirt, rocks, and a big hole. According to New York Magazine, the Swiss artist spent nearly $250,000 of his own money to turn an established Greenwich Village gallery space into a 38-by-30-foot crater of rubble. Some reviewers considered You to be a deconstruction of the gallery space—most viewers just thought it was a big mess.
8. End of the Line by Damien Hirst: At a September auction of his work, Hirst’s formaldehyde-covered zebras, bulls, and sharks sold for millions of dollars. But another high-priced “sculpture” featured at the auction made the zebras look positively canonical. To create End of the Line, Hirst filled a cabinet with medical supplies—and sold it to the tune of $2.4 million.
9. Daddy Daddy by Maurizio Cattelan: If you’ve visited the Guggenheim recently, you too might have come upon this Italian artist’s bizarre contribution to the anyspacewhatever exhibition. An oversize (but very realistic) rendition of one of Snow White’s seven dwarves lies face down in a pool of water in the lobby of the museum. Cattelan may have intended to provoke questions of the characters in popular culture, but all he really makes onlookers wonder is what Disney ever did to him.
10. The Surrender by Ry Rocklen: The Surrender is a stick tied to a baggie propped against a wall. Its artist, Ry Rocklen, featured in the 2008 Whitney Biennial, explained that he aims to release the “soul residue” of the objects he uses in his artworks. Perhaps in an effort to examine what “soul residue” The Surrender left behind, the Whitney explained in Rocklen’s bio on the Biennial Web site that the sculpture looked as if it were “abandoned by a hobo.”
—Julia Halperin, art editor
TOP 10 COMMERCIALS OF THE EARLY MID-NINETIES
10. Mall Madness: Four big-haired ’tweens (future Carries, Mirandas, Charlottes, and Samanthas?) giggle as they play a board game about reckless consumerism. Because nothing’s more fun than pretending to use your fake credit card at the virtual clothing boutique—am I right, ladies?
9. Play-Doh Meal Makin’ Kitchen Play Sets: Raise your hand if you thought this commercial made Play-Doh look delicious.
8. Cool Shavin’ Ken: Finally, a male doll who sports a beard that “disappears with warm water!” Because what kid hasn’t dreamed of having her very own man to shave? Bonus: As the jingle tells us, Ken smells so good because he “wears Old Spice.” That’s some questionable cross-promotion right there.
7. Dum Dums: Dayglo-colored children’s heads on lollipop sticks lip-synch to a doo-wop jingle. It’s a lot less creepy on film than it sounds on paper.
6. MUZZY: A Carol Brady sound-alike explains how lazy parents can use these BBC video sets to teach their children a second language through osmosis. I never bought the tapes, but I did learn how to say “I am the little girl” in French from the commercial: “Je suis la jeune fille!”
5. Pure Moods: Of all the compilation CDs of the ’90s—The Carpenters’ Yesterday Once More, Monster Ballads, Now That’s What I Call Music!—Pure Moods was the greatest. That’s because the CD’s commercial was the only one to feature both majestic unicorns and a snippet of the X-Files theme song.
4. Crossfire: The ad shows two kids competing in an epic, fiery battle. In real life, the game involves shooting marbles or something. Clear winner of the “thing that looks much, much cooler on TV than it is in real life” award. Honorable mentions: Mouse Trap (way too much trouble to set up) and Guess Who? (“Game cards do not actually talk”).
3. Anti-Drug PSA with Rachel Leigh Cook: Before she was all that, Cook smashed up a kitchen with a frying pan to show the effects of heroin on not only your brain, but also “your family ... and your friends! And your money! ... AND YOUR FUTURE!” This commercial inspired hundreds of kids to seriously consider cutting back on smack.
2. Mr. Bucket: Possibly the most awesome jingle of our time. Sing it with me now: “I’m Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth ...”
1. Gopher Cakes: For some reason, lists that count down cinema’s greatest twist endings rarely include this Hitchcockian gem of an ad. You think you’re watching a commercial for a new snack cake, but (spoiler alert!) it’s actually a PSA about exercising. Sneaky!
—Hillary Busis, TV editor and deputy features editor, The Eye
TOP 10 MOMENTS IN THEATER THIS YEAR
10. Paulo Szot fielding questions in the media room at the Tony Awards: The Brazilian opera singer won the Tony for Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical for his work in South Pacific, and he was simply beside himself. When asked if he had told any folks from back home, he said, “I want to call my mom right away to give her this present. It’s her birthday.” Too cute, Emile de Becque, too cute.
9. “Let There Be Light” of Next To Normal: When the musical kicked off with this catchy opening number, I remember thinking that Brian Yorkey and Tom Kitt really had created something memorable. After having completed its run at Second Stage Theatre, the show is now playing in Arlington, Va. With any luck, it’ll get another staged New York production sometime soon.
8. Martha Plimpton in Top Girls, Act I: Caryl Churchill’s famous dream sequence showcases a restaurant-style meeting of famous women throughout history. Martha Plimpton gave an award-worthy performance, here, as Pope Joan—a woman who is believed to have disguised herself as a man in order to serve as Pope from 854-856 A.D.
7. “Move On” from the Menier Chocolate Factory revival of Sunday in the Park with George: While Sunday is not my favorite Sondheim score, this second act number sung by Daniel Evans (George) and Jenna Russell (Dot) brought tears to my eyes. The change in time, reflected by a darkening of the sky and the brightening glow of the streetlamps, was a beautiful addition.
6. The curtain call from Boeing-Boeing: Bradley Whitford, Mark Rylance and Christine Baranski busting out moves choreographed by Kathleen Marshall was the perfect end to an otherwise genius revival.
5. “Die, Vampire, Die!” from [title of show]: While it has nothing to do with Rob Pattison or Kristen Stewart, Broadway underdog, [title of show], offered up one witty number after another. This song—sung by Susan Blackwell and company—is one of the most memorable and should be required listening for creative writing majors and anyone who’s sucked at fourth grade art class. “Fuck you Ms. Johnson. Word.”
4. The In the Heights medley at 62nd Annual Tony Awards: This performance, led by an adorable Lin-Manuel Miranda, featured great moments from the musical and showed the nation why it deserved to win best new musical that night.
3. “Let the Sunshine In” from the Public Theater’s Hair at the Delacorte Theater in Central Park: When else do you get to go up onstage to dance with cast members? Unless you attended a performance of the 1994 revival of Grease, chances are that this was a unique theatrical experience. Unfortunately Jonathan Groff (Claude) won’t be making the transfer to the Broadway production this spring, but hopefully you were lucky enough to catch his performance in the park.
2. Patti LuPone as Mama Rose in Gypsy: It’s a treat to watch LuPone’s performance build from her first line, “Sing Out Louise!” to the climactic eleven o’clock number, “Rose’s Turn.” Might I also add that the Gypsy overture is my favorite musical overture, and with a 25-member orchestra, this production doesn’t disappoint.
1. Equus, Act II: Yes, I loved it all. If I had to choose a specific moment, though, I’d have to say either “the ballet” (performed by the horses) or Dysart’s final monologue where the horse heads—fitted with reigns and bits—descend from the ceiling. Magnificently chilling.
—Laura Hedli, theater editor
TOP 10 TACKIEST NEW YORK CHRISTMAS SPECTACLES
I am not the kind of person who ever wished I celebrated Christmas—there were never any stockings on my mantle, no tree in my home. So when I moved to New York and realized that Christmas is simply a spectacle, I had to quickly learn to embrace it. New York really lets its tack factor fly out the window around Christmas, where consumerism and religion collide to create a bizarre conglomeration of tourists, kitsch, and good will, often with terrifying results.
10. Staten Island lights: Italians just do it better.
9. Santacon: Booze! Disillusioning children!
8. The tree at the MET: I don’t think this has been changed in fifty years. It makes the whole museum smell good, and is actually quite beautiful.
7. Dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum lit up: Probably not actually tacky, and very cool, but still worth it.
6. Tourists almost getting hit by cabs: The lights are just too much for them on Fifth Avenue—they never learn that you just can’t look around that much. It’s best if they drop a couple bags of their overpriced stuff.
5. St. Patrick’s Cathedral: The absolute best during Christmas, I light a candle every year. Sometimes I sing a song or two also. Pretty majestic.
4. Rockefeller Center: Did you know that they charge $19 for skating now?
3. The Pelham Parkway “doll house”: You have to see it to believe it.
2. Christmas music everywhere: Most Christmas music is terrible, and I feel bad for store employers who look like they want to rip their hair out by the 25th. By the time I hear the 15th version of “Little Drummer Boy,” I also want to rip out my hair.
1. Fifth Avenue window-shopping: While Macy’s will always have the classic Miracle on 34th Street, stores like Saks try to change it up every year. The best this year are the Barney's windows, which have a weird “hippie theme,” apparently in commemoration of the fiftieth anniversary of the piece sign and the nondenominational Saks windows, done mostly by Swarovski. When I think of tasteful decorations in the midst of a recession, Swarovski does not exactly come to mind, but then again, I don’t shop at Saks.
—Jennie Rose Halperin, music editor
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